Episode III: A beginners guide to being a well cultured motherf**ker

At some point someone will invite you to go to an art museum with them and you will go either through a legitimate interest or out of some obligation. either way your going to have to know something about art, or at least maintain the outward appearance of someone who does. Alternately if no one has ever invited you to a museum you should probably go back to plowing your fields / cousins and watching Larry the cable guy stand up special for the forty billionth time. For everyone else I have put together a short guide for looking like you know something about art.

Part 1: Faking it
The best part about art is you can be an expert in something you know absolutely nothing about, the key is to keep your comments vague enough so as not to arouse suspicion. This is much easier then it sounds and, with a little practice, you'll be saying things like "this panting represents the struggle between good and evil" in no time!

Here's a mad lib to help you along:

"I think this (panting/sculpture/poem/jazz music) represents the struggle between (any two different things: man vs. nature, pie vs. Saudi Arabia etc.) you can tell by the obvious symbolism of the (noun) and the way (he/she/it) is portrayed here. This (panting/sculpture/poem/jazz music) is a classic example of the (word ending in -ist) movement."

Try to use this format whenever someone asks you what you think of a piece of art.

Part 2: I like it!

If you see a piece of artwork you like, it is important people around you know why you like it. Saying things like "It has pretty colors", "all the people look funny" or "it would look good over my fireplace" might give you away and would all be things to avoid. Instead try to say things that describe the piece while continuing to be as vague as possible. Try things like "it has a very effective message" or "it invokes strong feelings inside me".

Part 3: Is it good?

The cardinal rule of artwork is that the quality of the work is directly proportional to the fame of the artist. People will wait in line for hours on end to see a piece of artwork a famous artist accidentally made in 30 seconds when they tripped over a coffee table and spilled paint all over a canvas, while paying no attention at all to the painting that took an unknown artist 3000 hours of fine tuning every intricate detail. Its kind of like when you go to buy a pair of jeans, people will lay down $200 for a pair with a famous label even though the ones for $20 were still made by the same Korean children. Basically the rule of thumb here is if you recognize the name of the artist its a good piece of art.

I hope you find this guide helpful during your next art experience. And remember: even if you really hate art museums it could be worse, you could be going to an independent film festival.